If it’s true that the old (but still dominant) paradigm rooted in the illusion of separateness (with all of its fear, self-centeredness, and us versus them thinking) is doomed to end one way or another, what will replace it? What can replace those old destructive belief systems and ways of being that are so at odds with a reality characterized by relationship and interconnectedness? What is the light at the end of the tunnel?
Well, in a reality characterized by relationship and interconnectedness, what if relationship and interconnectedness were our guiding lights!? Doesn’t it make sense that the antidote to a destructive paradigm rooted in separateness and division, is an altogether different paradigm rooted in relationship? And while this includes the relationship to the earth, to spirit, and to ourselves, I’m focusing on our human to human relationships.
As soon as we face our predicament as the existential threat it is, our actual face-to-face relationships take on a whole new meaning and significance; collective action and cooperation cease being vague concepts and become lived capacities essential to survival. In that context we all have muscles to build, and no shortage of opportunities to exercise those muscles. And while the Great Unravelling can feel overwhelming, part of the beauty of a focus on co-creating a relational paradigm is we all have the power to practice it, model it, live it in our own lives!
The five Rs of regenerative relationships presented below are rooted in my experience with restorative justice, nonviolent communication, psychology, and spiritual practices, along with my own hard won relationship experience. Taken together, they weave a supportive backbone for a relational way of being. The word regenerative is used simply to evoke a felt sense of aliveness and authenticity, a life-enhancing way of being.
Relationship. This boils down to prioritizing relationships, to leaning in when the going gets tough rather than giving in to habitual patterns of pulling away. Prioritizing relationship sets an intention and sparks motivation for the deeper, more courageous kinds of relationships called for in the new relational paradigm. It also sets the stage for the kinds of new experiences that heal trauma. There’s a lot that could be included in a list of what prioritizing relationships looks like but here’s a sampling:
- To practice attunement and presence with ourselves and others;
- To let ourselves have the experience of being vulnerable and safe; and
- To soften our judgments and resentments and transform them into curiosity and openness.
When we prioritize relationships we open to the natural flow of life energy, which is utterly relational. We open to respect and reciprocity, care and compassion. We make ourselves available to new ways of imagining and feeling abundance that replace the old paradigm of scarcity mentality. Instead of competition we have partnership and generosity.
Responsibility. Once we prioritize relationships, the next practical step is to prioritize responsibility-taking. It’s natural, but here again it goes against the grain of separateness and the wounds of trauma. Trauma inhibits our response-ability—our capacity to respond to others and to situations with full presence. Prioritizing relationships and personal responsibility opens the door to new levels of safety and trust, respect and and connection. We are paving the way for relationships where we can really see, hear, and understand each other. In this step, we take responsibility for:
- 100% ownership of our feelings, needs, wounds—without self-blame or shame;
- Clean, clear communication;
- Challenging our own judgments, right/wrong thinking, and disconnection;
- Healthy, proactive feedback; and
- Repairing harm.
Standing in stark contrast to the immaturity on such full display within the dominant paradigm, with personal responsibility we experience the freedom and personal power that comes with finally dropping victim mentality. Because it moves us beyond the blame game, responsibility is one of the greatest gifts we can give to ourselves and others and is foundational in aligning with life in this time of unravelling.
Repair. Given that we are sensitive beings with a range of deeply relational needs and longings, we inevitably hurt each other sometimes in our communication and behavior. Prioritizing relationships and responsibility set the stage for and make it possible to repair that harm.
Many of us learned early on that avoiding conflict was the best way to stay safe and get our basic needs met. Most of us did not have role models to teach us how conflict can be transformed into more authentic relationships and the importance of that. And the culture of separation and domination certainly doesn’t support authentic relating in any way!
There is obviously no shortage of extreme instances of harm in our world. Some of it, as with slavery or genocide, is generational and continues to fester. Regardless of how old and the degree of damage, a regenerative society will prioritize the repair of harm. Without it, relationships invariably run aground on the shores of resentment and disconnection, and society as a whole will remain fractured and dysfunctional.
The mindset of repair is straightforward: If I spill my water at the dinner table, I clean it up. If I make any kind of mess, I just clean it up. When harm is present in a relationship, I do my part to repair it, to make it right. It’s simple in concept, not always so simple in practice, but it flows naturally from prioritizing relationships and a commitment to responsibility.
It’s in acts of repair where we get most deeply tested—where we really get to lean in and practice our communication skills and strengthen our abilities to hold our seats under challenging circumstances. Regardless of the outcome, leaning into repair offers practical steps toward co-creating a relational paradigm.
Regenerative Mindset. Bringing together the prioritizing of relationships, responsibility, and repair we have the building blocks of a regenerative mindset. I use the phrase simply to characterize a way of being that is aligned with life and its relational essence. The phrase is intended to evoke an open field where we are all invited to bring our love and creativity in the spirit of care and connection, respect and reciprocity, authenticity and belonging. Such a mindset helps us orient our intention and behavior in the direction of healing and a new relational paradigm. There are a great many life-affirming qualities associated with a regenerative mindset, including:
- Being and becoming more fully attuned to the body so as to create more space for deep levels of feeling and sensing;
- Making the commitment to lean into relationships: to communication and appreciation, responsibility and repair, and conflict transformation;
- Paying more attention to how we hold others in their suffering and how we work with our own triggers and grief;
- Softening our judgments and our should thinking about ourselves, others and the state of the world. Seeing reality more clearly by softening the beliefs that things should be a certain way; and
- Cultivating the mind of not knowing and non-attachment to outcome.
In the end, life-affirming ways of being and organizing community life will only arise from mindsets and worldviews that support a full range of relational capacities. In the context of unravelling, where there are no pre-existing answers or solutions, where contribution and action will arise through dialogue and collaboration informed by local realities, it’s regenerative mindsets themselves that will be the guiding lights.
Resources. The final “R” of regenerative relationships reflects the depth of the challenge, encouraging us to attend to our own foundations and self care with new passion and commitment. It’s in that context that it can be helpful to bring even more consciousness to the ways we “resource” ourselves so that these practices can become more effective and more habitual. It can also be helpful to consider and strengthen resource areas we may be underutilizing.
The regenerative lens suggests a life-long practice of healing, of deeper attunement to the body, relationships, and all of life. We’re training for a marathon and not a sprint, and that requires resources. Resourcing is how we recover from being triggered. It’s what allows us to keep coming back to self understanding and acceptance, to life-affirming ways of being, and life beyond the illusion of separateness. Resource categories include:
Psychological – Mindfulness and inner spaciousness; healthy and realistic sense of self; access to self-awareness and a full range of feelings and emotions; appreciation of challenges and humor; a felt sense of meaning, purpose, and contribution;
Relational – A felt sense of deserving and having friendship, community, and support;
Spiritual – A felt sense of connection to source/God/spirit;
Physical – A felt sense of good health and vitality;
Sensual – A felt sense of pleasure from all of the senses;
Intellectual – A felt sense of the ability to think things through, to see patterns, to be interested and curious;
Artistic/Creative – A felt sense of having outlets for inspiration and expression; and
Nature – A felt sense of interconnectedness with the Earth and other species; a felt sense of support, inspiration, and care.
I emphasize the felt sense in all of these examples because that is what makes them resources and not just concepts. Here again, practice is key and there are any number of practices in each category and much potential overlap (4). The categories are not fixed and linear—what’s important is the felt sense of being present and available.
I think of the opportunities before us as the great relationship challenge. May these 5 Rs support us all in rising to that challenge.
Photo credit: jggrs via Pixabay